For Better Relationships and Self-Esteem, Replace Common Mr. Nice Guy Thought Patterns

     This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other posts here.

     "Be weird, be random. Because you never know who would love the person you hide." (CS Lewis)

The last post discussed the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome, described by psychologist Robert Glover, and how adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) fuel the symptoms. This post focuses on the dysfunctional thought patterns that are common to the syndrome—many of which are shared by survivors of ACEs—and healthier replacement thoughts for these troubling thoughts.

Recall that Mr. Nice Guy is a curious blend of appealing strengths and insecurities rooted in ACEs. Mr. Nice Guy compensates for hidden childhood wounds by struggling to do everything right to make people happy and win their affection. He is often disappointed, though, when he feels his efforts to please are not sufficiently reciprocated. Fearing that rocking the boat will jeopardize his relationships, he avoids conflict and doesn't assert his own needs.

Here are typical thought patterns of the syndrome (in italics), followed by more rational replacement thoughts. Notice how these thought patterns degrade mental well-being, as well as relationship satisfaction and quality.

1. If I do things the right way and am nice enough, nothing will go wrong, people will like me, and all my needs will be met. This is all-or-nothing thinking. Being likable improves my chances of happiness and being liked, but won’t guarantee a trouble-free life. It has been taught that people are really going to like you, except when they don't, because sometimes they won't.
2. If I’m perfect, I’ll be accepted. I must try hard to be perfect. Even if it were possible to be perfect (it isn’t), that’s no guarantee I’ll be accepted. So I’ll do my best and accept the outcome.
3. People should love and respect me for my goodness. It would certainly be nice to have the love and respect of supportive people, but foolish to expect this from others all of the time.
4. I should get as much as I give. To this unhealthy twist of the golden rule, you might try, “It would certainly be nice to have my efforts appreciated and reciprocated, but not a dire necessity—and it’s foolish to always expect it.”
5. I don’t deserve to be mistreated. Everyone gets mistreated at times. That's life!
6. I must be different from other men, who remind me of my abusive father. I want to grow, improve, and be a good man. All I can do is my best, though, and be kind with my mistakes. I won’t make the growth process more burdensome by “mustabatory” all-or-nothing demands. As best I can, I’ll feel compassion toward imperfect people, including myself.
7. I must not risk for fear of failing. Doing my best is sufficient. I’ll try, then I’ll accept the outcome, no matter what happens. I’ll take satisfaction in giving my best effort, even if I come up short.
8. I should hide my flaws and unpleasant emotions so that no one will think poorly of me. Where is that written? I can learn to be kind with my flaws and the full range of emotions that make me human, while learning to err less and less and to more constructively manage my emotions.
9. I must not rock the boat or do anything to make others dislike me. I’ll do my earnest best, speak from the heart, and accept the outcome.
10. I’ll be rejected if I upset someone or tell someone “no.” That will be awful! It will be inconvenient to upset people I care about, but I can stand it. So can the person I upset. Healthy relationships can withstand rough patches if both are committed to each other and to improving. I’ll be as kind as I can, recognizing that everyone comes up short at times.

Here are common dysfunctional thoughts Mr. Nice Guy has regarding his partner, from whom he craves excessive approval.

1. My worth equals my partner’s approval of me. Indeed, my worth and potential as a person are infinite and unaffected by another’s opinion of me.
2. My worth equals my ability to save, fix, give, and make my partner happy. Worth as a person is independent of these. It’s great to do kind things that make my partner smile, but sometimes my partner will just be having a bad day (or life), irrespective of what I do.
3. I must fix my partner’s problems and make her happy. It’s enough to just be present and supportive, allowing her to take responsibility for solving her problems. I didn’t cause all of my partner’s problems and I can’t fix them all.
4. I must avoid conflict. Why is that? Conflict is inevitable; contention is not. Rather than keeping it all inside when something bothers me, I’ll speak my opinion, even if she disagrees. The relationship will probably survive if done respectfully.
5. I can’t be happy if my partner isn’t; her mood determines my mood. As Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl taught, happiness is a choice; one can be happy in a prison camp if one has the mind to.
6. Everything will be okay if I can just stop doing what makes her upset. Each person is responsible for his or her happiness. This thought puts too much responsibility upon my shoulders. In relationships, it is normal for people to find their partner’s habits annoying at times. I’ll do what I can to not be dislikeable, but not be unduly surprised when conflict arises, nor will I expect her to approve of everything I do.
7. Everything will be okay if I can just get her to change. Trying to change another person is rarely successful. I’ll do what I can to improve the relationship while accepting that changing a relationship can be a challenging process requiring much time and patience.
8. Her needs are always more important than mine. Both of our needs matter. Healthy relationships have healthy doses of self-care and kindnesses for one's partner.

Congratulate yourself if you see that you share some thought patterns with the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome. Awareness is the beginning of growth. The brain is plastic; it is capable of rewiring. With time and practice, these dysfunctional thinking habits can be replaced, helping you to improve your self-esteem and to more calmly navigate the inevitable ups and downs of relationships.