Finding spirituality is something I had to find through pain and suffering emotionally. I grew up without much of an idea of god, my parents didn't force it on me. When I was a teenager however, I climbed on the soapbox of thinking people who had faith in god were weak and fools for doing so. My ego was in full force during these times, the transformation that has taken place since then is nothing short of amazing and shows off not only the power and grace of god, but the love.
I was someone who was afflicted with a pill addiction starting at the age of 18, I started showing signs of addiction not too long after my first drug. It took me down a very bad path, one that I never planned. It wasn't until the age of 26 that the pain became so great that it brought be down to my knees and had me truly, from the bottom of my heart, asking for god to save me. In October of 2014 I was fired from my father's company for stealing, I broke his heart, he died about five months later of a heart attack. I was beyond devastated and guilty.
God started really showing up in my life around my dad's death. Three days before he died, 'something' in me told me to reach out to him because I don't know how much longer he will be around. It had been months since I talked to him. I am forever grateful for that moment, I know that 'something' today to be god.
After his service I was completely broken, today I am grateful for my brokenness but at the time I just felt like there was no hope for me. My father was my rock, my best friend, my biggest supporter and now he was gone. I cried myself to sleep every night and one of those nights I remember getting on my knees and praying to whatever was out there to save me. Prayer was not something I practiced normally, but here I was, praying from the bottom of my heart for god to save me from the living hell I was in.
The next day, my mom called me and asked if I wanted to get help somewhere, my father left behind money so that it would be possible. I said yes and I remember my first night when I arrived to treatment, I had the greatest sleep I have ever had. God was assuring me that everything was going to be okay from here on out, I still remember that night so vividly. This was the time I opened myself up to god as I understood him completely. God had also put teachers in my life at this time that could not of been more perfect for me to learn from. Addicts are asked to surrender when starting to enter recovery, surrender to me meant that my life is no longer up to me and I will trust god to plot out my life from here on out. I had no fight left, I didn't know what to do, like I said I was so beaten down that whatever was told that would save me, I did.
The day I went to intensive outpatient treatment was May 17, 2015. Exactly two months after losing my dad. I began a life of seeking out what god meant to me, what god had intended for me and how I could follow god's plan everyday. I can truly say that since I got down on my knees that night and called out god to help me, my life has been so much smoother, I do not find it to be a coincidence. I now view people who have faith in god to be the strongest people because I know god will never steer anyone wrong ultimately. It is my passion these days to show god to those who used to be like me, those who scoff at the idea of there being an all loving god who wants the best for everyone. To watch someone else no only open up the idea to god but to have an experience with god is the greatest gift of all. When we call out to god for help, he meets us where ever we are at in life. I will be forever grateful for that.
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