Emotion has an enormous impact on imprinting memory in our brains. I had an experience when I was 6 years old that included emotion and I have the memory of it all of these many years later.
It was a 6 year old birthday sleepover party. There were 7 girls invited that lived near each other and played together most days. A girl new to the neighborhood was invited only due to the requirement of the birthday girl’s mother. I was also invited. I lived a block away but did play with these girls fairly often. Being an extremely shy girl, I really liked being accepted by this group and was excited to be included in the party.
The party progressed and it was now time to begin preparing for sleep. The new girl found a spot and laid out her sleeping bag on the family room floor. As she did this, one girl ran into the other room exclaiming how she was not going to put her sleeping bag anywhere near this new girl.
The other girls followed, running into the other room expressing the same plan. Even though I was silent, I also followed the group into the other room. As I stated, it was very important to me to feel a part of this group.
Once in the other room, I turned around and saw the girl sitting all alone on her sleeping bag looking very dejected. At that moment an intense feeling of empathy overcame me. With this strong feeling, I picked up my sleeping bag, went into the other room and laid it out right next to the girl who was being excluded. To my surprise, the other girls followed and the party resumed.
The ability I had to see things from her perspective and the resulting empathy I had for this girl in this situation strongly overcame my need to be accepted by the group.
Brain research demonstrates that even very young babies have a capacity for empathy. This is an extremely essential life skill and is at the heart of social skills and success in life. It is a skill like any other, it needs to be developed.
As Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., states:
"One of the most important aspects of being a human being, is being able to be in a relationship. Being able to successfully form and maintain a relationship. And at the heart of that capability is the capacity to put yourself in somebody else's shoes, to see the world how they see it. That capacity is empathy."
As my career unfolded, I became extremely interested in early brain development research and ever since have had the (not small) goal of making it commonly understood…. and to have it understood by EVERY adult that directly or indirectly influences the lives of children and families. Realizing the significant influence of early relationships is an area of major focus in meeting this goal.
The brain is experience dependent, meaning development doesn’t just magically happen. A brain develops based on the combination of the genes a child is born with and the experiences that a child has. The earliest time in life is like the fourth trimester in rapidly connecting the 86 billion brain cells a baby is born with. Experiences create a direct and physical impact on the way a brain is wired. And the repetition of experiences strengthens the neural connections to create pathways for functioning in life.
The brain is designed to adapt to whatever type of experiences are repeated most frequently…. whether positive or negative. Even though it takes about 25 - 30 years for the brain to fully mature, the early, days, months and years are the time for the most rapid amount of growth and development of the brain.
We are biologically designed for relationships. We are born with a primary need to have someone care for us. We are completely dependent on at least one relationship with another person. Through the ideal situation of having someone lovingly and consistently respond to meet our needs in a nurturing way, brain pathways for empathy are being created.
If an infant is responded to repeatedly and predictably with care and understanding, this creates the feelings of safety and pleasure that the brain craves and requires. This begins the wiring in the brain for relationships with others in life. So, when infants consistently experience the give and take of a responsive interactive relationship, the basis for the ability to feel and express empathy occurs. Interestingly, research findings demonstrate that the brain areas for both empathy and violence are partially similar. These findings lead the researchers to state:
"We all know that encouraging empathy has an inhibiting effect on violence, but this may not only be a social question but also a biological one -- stimulation of these neuronal circuits in one direction reduces their activity in the other."
As a result a more empathetic developed brain will have more difficulty behaving in a violent way. While attending the sleepover party, my brain pathways likely fired in a way that found it too difficult to be mean to the new girl.
Various versions of interesting studies reveal that babies as young as 5 months old can demonstrate empathy. However, due to a variety of situations and circumstances some children do not experience the ideal nurturing relationships early in life. A child that does not experience the give and take of a consistently responsive nurturing relationship will have a more difficult challenge in developing the brain connections for seeing things from another person’s point of view.
However the wonderful news is, the brain is always learning, re-organizing and making new connections throughout life. This is called, plasticity. This provides us with the extraordinary opportunity to make changes later. Of course it is best to develop a brain as optimally as possible in the first place, but it is important to realize that changes can be made through learning and repetition at other times in life.
When it comes to empathy and sympathy, research supports that humans can be contagious beings. This contagious aspect seemed to be the case in the slumber party experience where the other girls joined me after I showed empathy for the new girl.
Indicators are revealing that empathetic behaviors are in decline in many societies. There are numerous factors contributing to this occurrence. So, since we are neuro-biologically meant to be connected to others, it is essential that this is realized and an emphasis on early relationships is critical.
In summary
Valuing and prioritizing time for parents to spend with their babies and providing support for the establishment of secure attachment and early healthy and empathetic experiences is essential. Additionally needed, are provisions and policies for child care programs and schools to have low teacher child ratios to increase the opportunity to foster relationships that are built on understanding and empathy with every child.
When it becomes common knowledge that the brain is dependent on trusting, caring relationships and positive early childhood experiences, then babies in homes or child care settings and older children in schools will greatly benefit from supportive environments and will be engaged in inter-personal interactions that ultimately reduce violence and increases empathy for other human beings. This is prevention!
Children have the capacity to learn to read, write and do math … children also have the capacity to empathize. If we truly want to help children thrive in life ….and want to have an incredibly positive impact on our world, it is VITAL that we place an emphasis on healthy relationships with others … This is where it all begins! After all it IS the primary need of the brain!
This was a presentation given at Parenting 2.0 Talks, Dublin, Ireland. September 2014
For a FREE Printable on using empathy with children click here.
To book a presentation toward making a difference for your school, organization, agency or company visit www.deborahmcnelis.com
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