This story is part ofRise's series by frontline staff at foster care agencies about their experiences working with parents.
Recently, I facilitated a Family Team Meeting with a mother who was going through tremendous stress. (To protect her privacy, I’ll just call her “Mom.”) Her partner had recently died and she’d been diagnosed with a serious illness. She also suffered from anxiety and depression.
Up until the series of crises in her life, she’d worked, had an apartment, cared for her daughter. But after, she started losing interest in life and accumulating objects in ways that were dangerous for her and her daughter. Her daughter, who was 12, also had developmental and cognitive disabilities and was not developing age appropriately. Eventually her daughter was removed from her care. Mom blamed everyone for the removal and was aggressive toward any case planner that came to her home.
The Importance of Parents’ Perspectives
Before the meeting, I felt some anxiety because dealing with aggression is one of my biggest challenges. But as a facilitator, I also have strong feelings about parents participating in Family Team Meetings and having an opportunity to tell their stories. Family Team Meetings are where we discuss parents’ strengths and supports, the barriers to the child returning home, and possible permanency plans. Because a parent’s input is often critical to coming up with the best plan, over time I’ve learned to manage my anxiety by focusing on the parent’s feelings instead of on my own.
When the meeting started, I welcomed everyone, and asked the participants to sit where they felt comfortable. Mom sat with her social worker from the Center for Family Representation, her legal services provider. The case planner, the agency case planner and the girl’s foster mother, who was also her grown half-sister, were also there. I informed the participants about the rules of the meeting, and I noticed that when I said “no shaming, no blaming” Mom looked up.
Then I asked Mom to give her version of the story. I told her that I would be writing notes to remember her story. She looked at me surprised. Then she started crying, as if she wasn’t expecting anyone to care what she had to say. I offered her tissues and we all waited in silence until she got ready to talk.
Listening for Strengths
Listening to this mother, I thought how often we focus on parents’ struggles and not on their strengths. Pulling out Mom’s strengths allowed her to take an interest in continuing the meeting.
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