Thoughts on the shift from, "What's wrong with you?" to "What happened to you?"
Dear Monadnock Thrives & ACEs Connection:
I have to admit, it has taken me some time to understand the value of shifting from, “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?” As a person with high ACEs, I realize I have been absolutely conditioned by our culture to resist the victim label (I resist thinking about what happened to me) and to ‘own’ my response to whatever has happened to me (I must pursue and correct what’s wrong with me to fit in). I’ve had to do some discernment work to understand why I was struggling with this supposed revolutionary shift in thinking.
This morning, as I thought through all of the various responses to incidences during my first 18 years… they all really did mirror back to me that I, alone, was responsible. The focus was almost entirely on my disruptive behaviors and subsequent consequences. A lot of head shaking, eye-rolling, and tsk tsking. I was treated as a burden, as a malingerer, as a disruptor to everyone else’s peaceful life. While I have no doubt that my behaviors impacted others, I remember thinking at the time, “I am acting how I feel!” (which was: angry that no one seemed to care about my pain and suffering while at the same time expecting me to care about all of their, frankly, mundane shit) and, “I feel like it makes sense that I would be acting this way, you idiots!” That spunky girl got worn down over the years and internalized a whole lot of negative messages about who she is and how she fits in the world. I continue to do the work of recovering from that clear misunderstanding.
I do stand by owning behaviors as being an important perspective to develop. It is disempowering to consider that I have no control and that others hold the power to heal me. It is empowering to consider that the work may move slowly at times, but it is within my power to heal. Part of owning behaviors is to understand their source and separate them from how we value the person. One of the first things I vowed to adopt as a parent was to separate the behavior from the child so my children always knew - While I may not love their behavior sometimes, I will always love and believe in their inherent goodness. Ironically, this is something I have believed and fought with people about all my life. I promise you I fought hard! I was overwhelmed with the message that there were good people and bad people and behavior was the indicator. Good People do this and Bad People do that. I continue to uncover places where that message has been internalized. (Perfectionism, avoidance, procrastination, anxiety, self-sabotage…) It has been so important to me to know that I can rely on myself to recover from difficulty and disappointment. I also realize how important it is to be able to rely on other people. I continue to learn to expect people to mirror my strengths and recognize my inherent goodness and work cooperatively with me to achieve goals! We absolutely need one another to accomplish things in life.
We often say, “What’s wrong?” to people when they’re down or behaving differently than usual. I don’t see that as harmful in any way, to be honest. Adding, “with you” certainly increases the possibility for misunderstanding, but overall I don’t think it’s so much about the words as it is the mindset. It’s a courtesy to use the terms that reflect understanding and validation of a particular point of view, so I’m not advocating for anyone to change their language. I don’t think that’s the intention behind it anyway – I do think it’s about changing how we view others. When I first heard, “What happened to you?” I resisted – I heard, “How did you get broken?” and “please wear this victim label.” And, “Let me fix you.”
What I think we need to communicate and what I would have loved to hear was, “What is causing you to forget how valuable you are and what is keeping you from finding your purpose (what I call heart work)?”
If we mirror to a person that we trust in their inherent goodness and we know they are behaving in a logical way given all the circumstances and the skills and knowledge they currently possess, and we offer what we can to help problem-solve with them, whatever words we use will be infused with that intention. I see the value in the language shift now that it has put me in touch with the subtle ways in which these messages have seeded themselves into my mind and I appreciate it very much.
The work to correct this basic misunderstanding about human nature is enormous when you look at the entire system of culture and society, however sometimes the lowest hanging fruit is in our own minds and a simple shift in perspective can have enormous impact. Start with how you are treating yourself and viewing yourself. Imagine if the number of people reflecting positively back at you doubled today – how would that fuel you? This is vital – take care of yourself and your heart and your mind every day so that you can spill over with love and take care of others who are running on empty. You are good, you are kind, you are powerful. I see you, I hear you, and I love you! GO.
XOXO,
Jocelyn
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