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Breaking the Cycle of Adverse Childhood Experiences (Psychology Today)

 

To read more of Dr. Glenn Schiraldi's article, please click here, Breaking the Cycle of Adverse Childhood Experiences | Psychology Today.

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Key points

  • Effective parenting is a learned skill.
  • Those who didn't see effective parenting modeled at home can nevertheless become very effective parents.
  • The consistent application of effective parenting practices promotes healthy adjustment in children.

Congratulations! You’ve worked hard to heal the inner wounds from childhood adversity and are ready to embrace a new chapter—parenting in a way that helps your children flourish. This can feel overwhelming if you didn’t grow up in a home that modeled skilled parenting. However, effective parenting is a learned skill. You can break the cycle of ineffective parenting and help your children become caring, competent, responsible individuals. Here’s how.

1. Let your children know that they are deeply loved. Seeming miracles happen when we know that we are genuinely loved—loved, not spoiled. Children sense sincere love, even when parents’ efforts are imperfect.

2. Help them know that you believe in them to accomplish good in the world and that their personal best is sufficient. High but achievable expectations are linked to personal satisfaction and confidence, as long as parents lovingly encourage, rather than instill fear or shame children with comparisons to others.

3. Provide structure. Children find security in structure. Especially for young children, arrange for a beautiful bedtime routine. During the day, see that they exercise and have regular meals with wholesome food (minimize ultra-processed choices, which degrade brain health and mood). Turn off screens and dim lights at least one hour before bedtime. Read a story or two, discuss what they were grateful for, perhaps pray or meditate together, and give a hug or kiss.

Establish family rules. In one family, parents posted their expectations. When a child forgets a rule, the parents point it out and ask the child to repeat it. Their rules:

  • Be respectful of each other and their property.
  • Don’t raise your voice.
  • Do your Saturday chores before going out to play (some parents work alongside their children to create fond memories).
  • Complete your homework and daily chores before amusement.
  • Encourage and help your siblings to do their chores.
  • Resolve differences kindly.
  • Tell others what you like and appreciate about them.
  • Forgive and say something positive.
  • When there’s strong disagreement, give yourselves time to cool off. Then see if you can resolve your differences

4. Teach the value of work. Give age-appropriate chores, and praise jobs well done. This teaches responsibility and teamwork.

5. Model and instill strong values. Research shows that people are happier, more satisfied with who they are, and less stressed when they abide by strong moral values. During everyday moments, openly discuss the importance of honesty, kindness, service, and courage. Children learn best through observation, so model the behavior you want to see.

6. Apply age-appropriate discipline. Discipline is about teaching, not punishing. Guide and praise as much as possible. Criticize as little as possible. Effective parenting doesn't allow children to do things that make people dislike or distrust them. You might explain why a behavior is unproductive and what would be a better choice. Effective parents avoid harshly criticizing the child: “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you__.” They focus on the behavior: “I’d like to see you__. If an older child breaks a rule more than once without a good reason, such as staying out later than agreed on, the parent might say, “You’ve deprived yourself of the privilege of staying out later. For the next week, we’ll expect you to be home by__.” After disciplining, show consistent love; children view you as a caring guide, not an enemy.

7. Loosen your grip on perfection. Even the best parents have tough days. Mistakes are part of the process. Stay upbeat if your efforts don’t produce immediate effects. Be kind to yourself and remember that parenting is about consistency over time.

8. Let your children make safe mistakes. Then discuss how to recover and prevent similar mistakes in the future. For a recurring mistake, one parent kindly asked her teen, “Does this look familiar?”

9. Apologize when you err. Should you misjudge your child or lose your temper, apologize and repair the relationship by modeling accountability: “I was wrong, and I’ll try my best to do better.”

10. Create time to form trusting bonds. Gather around the dinner table as often as possible. One family turned off the television during dinner time. The parents made each child feel valued by asking about each child's day, interests, and challenges. Sometimes the other children would brainstorm to help a sibling solve a problem. Sometimes stories about ancestors overcoming hurdles were shared. Those parents lived together happily until their death at over 100 years of age. At their memorial service, the children shared that they each felt like they were their parents’ favorite—because that’s the way they made them feel.

Some families designate a weeknight for family time to build bonds. Sometimes it's a movie or game night. Sometimes there are uplifting lessons, and the children are often asked to plan and teach them. Some parents invite a child to run errands with them, allowing the child to open up about concerns or interests.

In the work world, leaders have one-on-one interviews to encourage and support individuals. This practice also works well in families. Once I asked a father how his children were turning out so nicely. He said, “I have monthly chats with each child. They can ask me anything they want, and we discuss whatever interests or concerns them. I mostly ask questions and listen. I hope this same trusting relationship will continue. Sometimes they’ll say, ‘We haven’t had our monthly chat yet,’ and I’ll say, ‘How about tonight?’” I’ll ask how I can be a better dad, and they’ll often say, “You’re doing a great job, Dad.”

Be fully present. Show children that they can trust you to come to you with their honest feelings, and that those feelings will be heard and respected. Rather than trying to judge or immediately fix or solve their problems, listen and ask questions. See if you can help them solve their problems. Let them know you trust them.

11. Keep learning. Parenting is rewarding and challenging. Fortunately, there are excellent resources for parents, such as:

  • Trauma-Resilient Parent Certification course is a self-paced online course designed to help parents and guardians better support and nurture their children, build trusting relationships, enhance self-care, and better understand trauma. Typical completion time is one to two hours. The course also lists extensive resources for parents.
  • Positive and Adverse Childhood Experiences Connection, an online community, lists many resources, including books and handouts for parents.
  • Good Families Don’t Just Happen: What We Learned from Raising Our 10 Sons and How It Can Work for You, a book by Catherine and Joseph Garcia-Prats, is one of many good books about creating a positive home environment. These parents inspired their 10 boys to care for each other genuinely.

Final Thoughts
Your children don’t need perfect parents—they need loving, present ones to guide them toward becoming kind, capable adults. The effort you put in today will yield impressive rewards tomorrow.



References

Schiraldi, G. R. (2021). The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook: Heal the Hidden Wounds from Childhood Affecting Your Adult Mental and Physical Health. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Moral identity in relation to emotional well-being: a meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology. March 2024.

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