Back in the 90’s I grew up in a bit of an old school household: dad worked while mom tended to domestic matters. Her days were filled with never ending heaps of laundry, meals to cook, dishes to wash, mail to open, and bills to pay. She took me and my brother to school, sports, and friends’ houses, picked us up, helped us with homework, and functioned as the only true parent in the home. As if those responsibilities were not enough, she addressed other issues that came up and regularly helped out at my dad’s restaurant. To top it all off, her and my dad’s relationship was nothing but a stress-inducing monster. With my mom having just one friend, family ties that were ties only in name, and an aversion to enlisting the help of others, she perpetually felt overwhelmed and burnt out. The result? Poor mental health. Razor thin was her patience as many parenting situations were handled without tact, understanding, or compassion. Mistakes were frowned upon. Having a voice? Forbidden. What if my mom had more social connections? More support? More days off? Could things have been different? Why does it matter?
At the most basic level, social isolation contributes to an overall decrease in well-being, and unfavorable health outcomes. It is a well-known fact that children whose parents experience a high level of stress, depression, or anxiety, are more likely to engage in abusive and/or neglectful behavior towards their kids. Furthermore, parents who are more socially isolated are also more likely to experience those types of mental health issues. This is especially poignant when considering that a child’s well-being is linked to that of parents or caregivers. Social connections, therefore, are one of the five protective factors when it comes to raising children in a safe, caring, and loving environment. The others are: 1) Parental Resilience 2) Concrete Support in Times of Need 3) Knowledge of Parenting and Child Development 4) Social and Emotional Competence in Children. While all five protective factors are important, social connectedness may carry the most weight. Why might that be? Social connectedness impacts all four of the other protective factors in meaningful ways. Social connections provide support in times of need which, in turn, contribute to parental resilience, and engaging with other parents provides knowledge of parenting and child development. When all these protective factors are met, the likelihood of children developing social and emotional competence improves. Social connectedness acts as the foundational layer upon which the remaining protective factors depend. Without social connections, parents are less resourced, and children are left at a disadvantage.
Both anecdotal evidence and empirical research show us that social connectedness is important, even essential, when it comes to parenting. But how exactly is the term “social connectedness” defined? To date there is no official definition, though one study author puts it this way: “a subjective evaluation of the extent to which one has meaningful, close, and constructive relationships with others (i.e., individuals, groups, and society)” (O, Rourke, 2017) Part of what makes the term difficult to nail down are factors related to individual perceptions and preferences. Whereas introverts are more likely to have a smaller social network, extroverts will many times have a larger one, yet both may feel their needs for connection are met. One’s perception of the depth of their existing relationships would be another contributing factor in assessing their level of social connectedness. With these concepts in mind, let’s look at some of the evidence showing why social connections are important when it comes to parenting.
Parents who are more socially connected report lower levels of anxiety and depression, and generally feel more hopeful. Those social connections provide them with various kinds of support that would not otherwise be available to them. Some examples include family members who can watch the kids, a friend who can listen and relate, or a neighbor who provides insight and resources. These examples fall into the categories of informational, instrumental, emotional and spiritual support, all of which contribute to a greater sense of well-being. In a study looking at parents of children with disabilities, parents were referred to a peer support program and reported the following prior to referral: “…a sense of desperation, the lack of suitable support, and the ‘minefield’ of service provision. A sense of bleakness dominated these accounts…” (Blake, 2019) Peer support participants related to others’ experiences, felt safe and accepted, and were “able to learn ‘so much from other parents’ in relation to new information and skills. This information was parent-oriented rather than defined by what professionals assumed parents needed.” (Blake, 2019) Researchers concluded that the peer support program increased social connectedness and brought parents a greater sense of well-being.
Similarly, a meta-analysis of studies focusing on the social connectedness of parents in low-income communities found that “parents were enabled to relate and share their struggles with one another”, and “outcomes related to improved SC for parents included the strengthening of parenting skills, gaining a sense of connection… and decreased isolation.”(Plesko, 2019) The above examples show that social connections make a difference by aligning with the protective factor framework. Having a space to safely unpack difficult situations that come up and having the opportunity to problem solve with and learn from other parents works on four of the five protective factors. One parent from the support program stated, “It’s good when I am having a bad day and I have tried everything possible that you can go [to group] and someone will have an idea which can help.” (Plesko, 2019) Rather than feeling doomed to the pressure of “doing it all alone”, this parent has concrete support in times of need and has the opportunity to become more resilient through social connections. In addition, his or her support group improves knowledge of parenting and child development in both the short and long-term.
So, let’s return to the question: what if my mom had more social connections and more support? Considering the evidence, we could say she probably would have had more patience. If she had someone who could pick my brother and I up from school or sports, that could have provided recharge time. If she was more involved with parents at my school, maybe she could have made a couple friends, shared some of her parenting struggles, and perhaps realized that she’s not the “only one” while also learning a couple strategies for working with a hyperactive, unfocused child. The possibilities are many, but the point here is not to conjecture about what her life, or mine, could have looked like. Rather, it is to acknowledge that, no matter how independent we may appear, we ultimately need one another and function best as an interdependent community. When the needs of adults are met through social support and connection, we are better able to provide for our children by pouring from a full cup rather than an empty one.
Sources:
https://www.sciencedirect.com/...399119302964#bib0095
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.co...ll/10.1002/nur.22189
https://www.mother.ly/life/rai...o-much-harder-to-do/
The Center for the Study of Social Policy: Protective Factor Framework
The Center for the Study of Social Policy: Social Connections
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