For Many People with Anxiety, Self-Care Just Doesn’t Work [healthline.com]

Heidi Beaubriand posted:

I think the author has a misunderstanding of what self care actually is.  It isn't bubble baths and a trip to the spa.  Its clear boundaries.  Its knowing what you need emotionally, spiritually, physically and creatively and making sure that you get that every day.  Its taking a nap when you need to, saying no when you want to, and making space to take care of yourself on your terms.  Its about meeting your own needs first, so that you keep your cup full and serve others from the overflow, not the contents of your cup. The bigger question here is why her moments of self care were so triggering for her, not the good or bad of the self care act itself. 

So true, Heidi. I hope for her sake the author finds her way to the deep, genuine self-care that you describe.

I think the author has a misunderstanding of what self care actually is.  It isn't bubble baths and a trip to the spa.  Its clear boundaries.  Its knowing what you need emotionally, spiritually, physically and creatively and making sure that you get that every day.  Its taking a nap when you need to, saying no when you want to, and making space to take care of yourself on your terms.  Its about meeting your own needs first, so that you keep your cup full and serve others from the overflow, not the contents of your cup. The bigger question here is why her moments of self care were so triggering for her, not the good or bad of the self care act itself. 

Laura Pinhey posted:

Diane Petrella posted:

Thank you for posting this, Laura.

While I appreciate the sentiments expressed by the author and get what she's saying, I always bristle when I read about a backlash to what, in fact, is sound advice. Self-care is important. Period. No one says there's a one-size-fits-all approach. When sound advice becomes a trigger, that doesn't mean the advice is wrong. It means you can use that as an opportunity to take responsibility for why you felt triggered—without blaming the messenger—and use that self-reflection to to evolve and heal. That, to me, is good self-care.

You know, Diane, I would regret posting this article, if it weren't for the opportunity for discussion it provides that you have recognized and acted upon. Thank you for that.

At first glance, the author's view seems short-sighted and she seems bent on "self-care bashing", perhaps because of her frustration at seeing her anxiety worsen instead of improve as she attempts to "do" self-care. She does, though, come around at the end to this notion:

If you feel strongly about developing a self-care practice, but don’t know how to make it work for you, discuss it with a mental health professional and work together to come up with a plan that helps instead of harms.

If it’s watching TV, watch TV. If it’s a bath, take a bath. If it’s sipping a unicorn latte, doing an hour of hot yoga, then sitting for a reiki session, do it. Your self-care is your business.

My experiment in radical self-care evolved over time. I stopped trying to do self-care, I stopped pushing it. I stopped doing what other people said should make me feel better and started doing what I know makes me feel better.

Your self-care doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. It doesn’t need to have a hashtag. It just needs to be whatever makes you feel good.

Take care of yourself, even if that means skipping all the bells and whistles and not stressing yourself out. Because that is self-care too.

Upon reflection, the title and first few paragraphs strike me a click-bait. I think in an attempt to express her dismay that her self-care has backfired, she throws all self-care under the bus. It's unfair and inaccurate, but it got us and probably a lot of people reading.

If I had to play armchair psychologist, based on what the author tells us about her reaction to her initial self-care, I'd gently suggest maybe it's time to talk to a therapist about why she hyperventilates and bawls at the thought of doing something to help herself. Does she believe she doesn't deserve self-care? Is she feeling overwhelmed by her responsibilities? Does she need to reach out for help with them? Is she a perfectionist who feels she must do it all because no one else will do it as well as she will? Is she a fixer who takes on everyone else's everything? Or is she distracting herself from uncomfortable emotions and memories by busying herself to exhaustion? I mean, it's not JUST because anxiety and self-care don't get along -- they can get along just fine if they're fine-tuned to the individual's needs. And though she tells us that her approach to self-care changed, but she never tells us precisely how it changed. To me, as a reader, that would be useful and interesting information.

And your comment also caused me to reflect upon why I chose to post this article even though I felt iffy about it, and why, even though as I was posting, I thought that because of my iffy feelings about the article, I should include a comment describing my reservations about it, I didn't. It's because I was pushing myself to get All The Things done on a Saturday and didn't allow myself the time to think through my opinion of the post OR perhaps seek out a different post for now and "back-burner" this one until I'd had a chance to decide if it was worthwhile material.

Thank you, Diane, as always, for your contributions here.

Hi Laura,

I love your well-thought-out analysis. Thanks for sharing your insights.

I had read the entire article before posting my comment and wonder, as you noted, if the beginning was click bait motivated. At the same time, all articles are worth posting when they raise worthwhile discussion and reflection.

I reacted to this article because one of my biggest pet peeves is when authors seem to try to boost themselves/their approach by denigrating others. I see this with a backlash to positive thinking, too. The whole positive psychology movement is grounded in solid research. They don't believe you can simply say, "I'm happy" and you'll snap out of depression. Yet there's a backlash to "positivity" and I've read lots of articles where people misinterpret the deeper message and get on that backlash bandwagon. Anyway... thanks for letting me rant!

And thanks again for posting the article and giving us the opportunity to discuss. It's all worthwhile!

Gail Kennedy (ACEs Connection Staff) posted:

Great discussion (And i should have said "great advice at end").  I too was in the "Hurrying to get things done mode" (to get off my computer and go do something self careish  Good self reflection there as well!  For me it reminded me that sometimes my "self care" becomes crammed into my busy life and BETTER self care would be to slow down and take a break (and NOT feel guilty about that choice!).

Yep. Don't know about you, but sometimes for me self-care is just another item on my to-do list .... gotta work on that .... 

Great discussion (And i should have said "great advice at end").  I too was in the "Hurrying to get things done mode" (to get off my computer and go do something self careish  Good self reflection there as well!  For me it reminded me that sometimes my "self care" becomes crammed into my busy life and BETTER self care would be to slow down and take a break (and NOT feel guilty about that choice!).

Diane Petrella posted:

Thank you for posting this, Laura.

While I appreciate the sentiments expressed by the author and get what she's saying, I always bristle when I read about a backlash to what, in fact, is sound advice. Self-care is important. Period. No one says there's a one-size-fits-all approach. When sound advice becomes a trigger, that doesn't mean the advice is wrong. It means you can use that as an opportunity to take responsibility for why you felt triggered—without blaming the messenger—and use that self-reflection to to evolve and heal. That, to me, is good self-care.

You know, Diane, I would regret posting this article, if it weren't for the opportunity for discussion it provides that you have recognized and acted upon. Thank you for that.

At first glance, the author's view seems short-sighted and she seems bent on "self-care bashing", perhaps because of her frustration at seeing her anxiety worsen instead of improve as she attempts to "do" self-care. She does, though, come around at the end to this notion:

If you feel strongly about developing a self-care practice, but don’t know how to make it work for you, discuss it with a mental health professional and work together to come up with a plan that helps instead of harms.

If it’s watching TV, watch TV. If it’s a bath, take a bath. If it’s sipping a unicorn latte, doing an hour of hot yoga, then sitting for a reiki session, do it. Your self-care is your business.

My experiment in radical self-care evolved over time. I stopped trying to do self-care, I stopped pushing it. I stopped doing what other people said should make me feel better and started doing what I know makes me feel better.

Your self-care doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. It doesn’t need to have a hashtag. It just needs to be whatever makes you feel good.

Take care of yourself, even if that means skipping all the bells and whistles and not stressing yourself out. Because that is self-care too.

Upon reflection, the title and first few paragraphs strike me a click-bait. I think in an attempt to express her dismay that her self-care has backfired, she throws all self-care under the bus. It's unfair and inaccurate, but it got us and probably a lot of people reading.

If I had to play armchair psychologist, based on what the author tells us about her reaction to her initial self-care, I'd gently suggest maybe it's time to talk to a therapist about why she hyperventilates and bawls at the thought of doing something to help herself. Does she believe she doesn't deserve self-care? Is she feeling overwhelmed by her responsibilities? Does she need to reach out for help with them? Is she a perfectionist who feels she must do it all because no one else will do it as well as she will? Is she a fixer who takes on everyone else's everything? Or is she distracting herself from uncomfortable emotions and memories by busying herself to exhaustion? I mean, it's not JUST because anxiety and self-care don't get along -- they can get along just fine if they're fine-tuned to the individual's needs. And though she tells us that her approach to self-care changed, but she never tells us precisely how it changed. To me, as a reader, that would be useful and interesting information.

And your comment also caused me to reflect upon why I chose to post this article even though I felt iffy about it, and why, even though as I was posting, I thought that because of my iffy feelings about the article, I should include a comment describing my reservations about it, I didn't. It's because I was pushing myself to get All The Things done on a Saturday and didn't allow myself the time to think through my opinion of the post OR perhaps seek out a different post for now and "back-burner" this one until I'd had a chance to decide if it was worthwhile material.

Thank you, Diane, as always, for your contributions here.

Thank you for posting this, Laura.

While I appreciate the sentiments expressed by the author and get what she's saying, I always bristle when I read about a backlash to what, in fact, is sound advice. Self-care is important. Period. No one says there's a one-size-fits-all approach. When sound advice becomes a trigger, that doesn't mean the advice is wrong. It means you can use that as an opportunity to take responsibility for why you feel triggered—without blaming the messenger—and use that self-reflection to evolve and heal. That, to me, is good self-care.

Great advice!