What does self-care mean, and what does it involve? Simply put, it implies— physical, emotional, psychological, social and spiritual care.
The very idea of survivors of suicide loss practicing self-care can seem radical. The stigma, shame, secrecy and silence that a survivor faces invisibilizes, erases and marginalizes any of their valid concerns. Equally relevant, most survivors themselves feel they are not entitled to any form of support—either from themselves or from others.
On a fundamental level, extreme self-care for survivors of suicide loss is about extraordinary self-compassion. It is about making conscious choices to love ourselves unconditionally, accepting our imperfections and embracing our vulnerabilities. Our worlds have been ripped apart by the tragedy that has left deep craters and gaping wounds in our psyches. We need to establish a new normal that not only honors and respects our loved one who we lost, but also enables us to rescript our lives as we move forward through the tragedy.
Each survivor of suicide loss grieves differently. There are no band-aids, quick fixes or a one-size-fits-all approach to recovery. That said, here are a few tips for radical self-care that helped me heal and transform:
First things, first: Attend to your basic needs. Ensure that you eat nourishing food, drink plenty of water and have adequate rest and sleep. In the acute phase of traumatic grief, survivors may experience a loss of appetite. Or, it could be binging and overeating. Either way, ensure a balance. It is quite likely that you may find a good night’s sleep to be elusive. Intrusive memories, crying spells and sheer exhaustion can either prevent you from falling asleep or wake you up after just a short spell of exhausted sleep. I found it helpful to take prescription sleep medicines in the first month following the tragedy. Then, as I built my resources, I gradually tapered it off under medical supervision.
Stay with your feelings: In the acute phase of the bereavement (the first three months), I was overwhelmed with emotions like anger, sadness, rejection, abandonment and fear. It might be tempting and you will receive plenty of well-meaning advice from friends and family to “fight, conquer or subdue” your difficult emotions. I found (and still find) these militaristic metaphors to be disempowering, self-defeating and non-sustainable. Instead, stay with your feelings; face them (instead of running away from them by immersing yourself in work or other forms of physical addiction like alcohol or toxic relationships). It requires courage to do this because these feelings often ambush you with the ferocity of a predator. It is important to validate every feeling. Avoid labeling or judging them.
However, it requires a considerable self-awareness, authenticity and courage to be able to do this. But trust me, it gets better every time you make the choice of staying with your feelings.
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