From the blog manager [of the Attachment & Trauma Network blog]
Many of us raising children affected by early trauma and attachment disorders know holiday stress all too well. Even the most well-meaning relatives can inflict additional pain, sometimes because they simply do not understand, other times because they cannot help but judge. Our decisions, our families, our lives, may look very different from what they dreamed, hoped, or expected. Old hurts get triggered and we find ourselves living–even more–in a state of distrust and fear (which, come to think of it, makes us not so very different from our kids…) May Hilary’s post comfort you and help you cope. You can learn more about healing old hurts in her award-winning book, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, Feb. 2018).
Han’s story
My patient, Han, used to dread going home to his parents’ house for the holidays. He found it hard to relax and be himself. His wife and children dreaded it as well. His parents made hurtful remarks, criticizing everything from their outfits to their opinions. The minute Han walked through their door, his stomach would knot as he felt himself shift from the man he grew into to the boy he used to be.
Han told me, “I expect to be bombarded: Why don’t you have more children? You aren’t making enough money. Why don’t you have a better position? Why did you marry a white girl, etc. With each jab, I feel smaller and smaller, like I am literally shrinking…no, disappearing.”
Unfortunately, feeling diminished, tense or hurt by our family (our grandparents, parents, siblings and even our adult children) is not unusual. Emotions triggered by family interactions automatically bring us right back to how we felt as children. That’s how the brain works. My patients work hard not to get triggered. But, unfortunately, resisting that pull is very hard when it comes to family.
[To read the rest of this post by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, click here.]
[Photo from here.]
Comments (0)