Laura's Note: Though the author is addressing toxic mother-daughter relationships, much of what she writes here can apply more broadly to other types of relationships and traumas.
If I had a twenty-dollar bill for every time someone tells me that my mother “must have done something right” because I “turned out fine,” I could probably retire tomorrow in luxury. This came up during an interview recently, as if where I went to college and graduate school and have accomplished in my professional life could somehow be laid at my mother’s feet. Of course, the “fine” part depends on your definition of what constitutes “fine.” Many high-achieving daughters and sons continue to suffer the ill effects of a toxic childhood, all appearances to the contrary; to the extent that they haven’t recovered from their treatment, they may suffer from excruciating bouts of self-doubt, an inability to choose the right partners and friends, and a feeling of not belonging which permeates and taints all of their relationships, all of which can fitfully co-exist with real-world achievement.
To make use of a well-worn cliché: You can’t tell a book by its cover.
Why people hate admitting that mothers can be toxic
Have you ever noticed that the culture finds it way easier to accept that a father can be unloving or even downright abusive than a mother? A deadbeat dad is one thing, but an unloving mother is another—even though that Commandment tells us to honor both. I have a personal theory—unproven, of course, as all personal theories are—that our cultural myths make it very hard to accept that a mother can be unloving. We all need to believe in one kind of inviolable love and, alas, romantic love just doesn’t fill the bill. But wait—there’s maternal love which, according to the mythology, is instinctual and hardwired and, even better, all women by their nature are nurturing. Yippee! Unconditional love—at last and for once! When I was 14, I read Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving and what he had to say stopped me dead in my tracks: “Mother’s love is bliss, is peace, it need not be acquired, it need not be deserved.” Sounds great but, alas, not true. People still believe this and I totally get why; betrayal hurts and they want to believe in one kind of love that’s not vulnerable to change.
The fact that they can’t hear you is about them, not you.
[To read the rest of this article by Peg Streep, click here.]
[Photograph: Zohre Nemati. Copyright free. Pixabay.com.]
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