Personal transformation is usually an experience we actively seek out - not one that hunts us down. But in the twenty-first century, becoming a caregiver is a transformation that comes at us because today the ‘call to care’ is at odds with the imperative of work and the call to individual achievement. Being a caregiver is not something most people think or dream about, let alone prepare for, even though it’s a role many of us will inhabit, since there are approximately 43 million informal caregivers in the United States and 6.5 million caregivers in the United Kingdom.

When a loved one becomes a caregiver everything changes, including responsibilities, beliefs, hopes, expectations and relationships. Caregiving is always different than we imagine it to be, largely because so few of us think through our care roles in advance. The disorientation associated with these roles can be deep, intense, and isolating because it entails a series of paradoxes, including an ongoing tension that becomes difficult to reconcile: this is a relationship you may not want but feel you must accept.

In the resulting process of transformation, your loved one’s story, your story, your relationship story, and the ‘cure’ story you have mapped out in your head can betray you when what happens isn’t what you thought would happen - or should. It’s as if someone steals the script you have been working from your whole life through.

Although others may use values like ‘perfection’ and ‘outcomes’ to guide them, these things make no sense in terms of caring. Instead, caregivers must lean on values that are consistent with their experiences. Connection and mindfulness, not perfection and outcomes, are more appropriate markers because they emphasize the value of the care role and how this role may change how you think about yourself.

To read more of Donna Thompson and Zachary White's article, please click here.