"Everyone has a story to tell and they will just keep sharing with their words, behaviors, and choices until they feel heard.” – Co-worker, 1995
“When you think you know more than your client, go sell real estate.” – Professor, 1999
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brene Brown, 2014
These are a few of the quotes that I carry in my heart and my mind. They are cued up and ready to be played at a moment’s notice. They have led me where I am today and continue to shape my daily choices.
It is amazing the power words have. Part of my work is at a Child Advocacy Center. Here we have trained forensic interviewers who meet with children and give them the opportunity to share the details of their abuse. Each word that the interviewer uses is purposeful and defensible. They are carefully selected to help children feel safe, to avoid any suggestibility, and to eventually hold up in court if needed. Our interviewers remind us daily of the power of words.
The importance of words has also been underscored in the work we are doing around trauma. Over the past year, I have spent a lot of time talking to others about the impacts of trauma, how it changes the brain, and how each of us can play a role in building a stronger community. The science is powerful. Once people hear this information, they look at their world and those in it differently. But I believe it is a few key words that truly spark change.
First, when we shift from asking “what happened?” instead of “what’s wrong with you?” These words, originally shared by Tonier Cain, reduce shame and open the door for true understanding and change. They empower others to see that their choices and behaviors are actually pretty normal and a sign that their brain did just what it was supposed to do… adapt to help them survive.
The second powerful change happens when we shift from believing that people “won’t” to “can’t” do something. If we believe that people won’t do something, we become frustrated and see it as oppositional. If we believe they can’t, then we better understand and take the time to teach the skill. It gives us hope for positive change.
Finally, when we shift our focus from “them” to “us” we set the stage for large scale change. We do not see ourselves different from those that need help. Nor do we see ourselves different from those who can help. We have the vulnerability to see ourselves in those who we may have judged before. At the same time, we have the courage to see that we are the ones that can build connections, resilience, and understanding that will transform our communities.
Much like the way the quotes I began with shape my life, the above three key changes in our words shape how we interact with the world around us. They provide the common language we need to create a positive cycle of cultural change. We are seeing the impacts of unaddressed trauma everywhere we look. The ACEs and Resiliency science gives us a roadmap, so that we ourselves will feel less “overwhelmed” and more “empowered.”
“We have the power to dramatically change the world now, just by the words we use to describe it.” Tanya Fritz, 2018
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