By Stephanie Mines, PhD
Introduction
For too long the staid rules about what attachment is and is not have been the go-to diagnostics for psychologists. The securely attached-poorly attached spectrum is considered an absolute science. In truth, hegemonic attachment theory negates, ignores and discounts both indigenous and matriversal worldviews. This excludes those of us who commune with the more than human world, those who saw through our parents’ dysfunction and made the wise choice not to bond with them, those born with innate attachment to the Universal Mother, and those who are securely attached to the natural world.
With all due respect to those who dedicated themselves to the scientific method and spent years researching, documenting and writing their hypotheses, their perceptions were far from the highly touted and thoroughly elusive objectivity they proffer. Their vision was based on patriarchal, colonized, western standards that had already distorted development. The environments in which their research was conducted was already contaminated.
In this post, I posit a refreshing new understanding of bonding and attachment. When I explored this in a program with therapists last year, the result was exhilaration. Please share how this lands with you.
DEFROSTING PATRIARCHAL RIGIDITY ABOUT ATTACHMENT AND RECLAIMING YOUR HEALTH
I have lived most of my life with the certainty that I was poorly attached. How could it be otherwise, I wondered, particularly after I became a neuropsychologist. In the literature I read by every highly respected author, from Winnicott to Mate, from Mahler to Schore, it was unquestionable that, given the violence in my home, given the sexual abuse and dysfunction of my family, I had to be poorly attached. That was certainly what was wrong with me. This was why I struggled with relationships. This was why I had so much difficulty with confidence. The grief of how I was so marked by my family’s dysfunction was endless. It was a bottomless well.
It is only recently that I pierced the lie of this assumption and its colonial, patriarchal underpinnings. It has become crystal clear to me that, in fact, the opposite is true. I am amazingly, brilliantly attached and bonded to what really matters– which is, the natural world, creativity, and my lineage. Not only that, I am incredibly resilient in adapting that attachment, those bonds and connections, to a variety of ecosystems and communities. It is not case dependent. It is within me and inseparable from me. Indeed, I have been powerfully and securely attached from the moment I took form. This is a Matriversal understanding. It comes from the standpoint of being akin to the natural world. It is also the perspective of an embryologist who understands human development from the beginning of life.
I attribute this awakening, in part, to my time in Aotearoa with people like Rangatira Maata Wharehoka and her family. They did not impart the awareness directly. It grew as a by-product of my time with them and my capacity to track what was being aroused in me as a result of being in that environment and with the Māori people.
The indigenous world view that Maata and her family embody communicated itself in daily actions, not in lectures, discourse or books. This is matriversal education. As I harvested flax with them for weaving, ate with them, laughed and cried with them, something that had always been with me surfaced from where it was buried under the misogynistic, elitist psychology required for mental health professionals. The ease with which Kuia (Elder) Maata could shed what was untrue reminded me of what was natural to me, but what I had been taught to be ashamed of or suppress. She inspired me to prioritize my own experience over the dictates of academia, which is, for the most part, disembodied. Maata had no need to pamper or indulge anything untrue.
What surfaced as a result of this communion with Maata and others at the epic Parihaka marae in Taranaki, was me, the real me, the one who had always been deeply connected to everything and everyone. It is actually because of my deeply connected, compassionate awareness that I am able to develop my creativity and my intelligence, even when my ideas are not necessarily popular, and even if they are ridiculed. Nothing stops Maata from voicing her truth because her sense of herself is too deeply rooted. She knows that her tupuna (ancestors) have her back. She mirrored this for me, and the reflection stuck.
I had previously been convinced that I was an outcast, an oddity, but this, I discovered, was imposed upon me. It did not arise from within me. It had never been true. That became clear to me at Parihaka, in the company of Maata Wharehoka. I cannot over-emphasize the magnitude of the about-face that comes with the somatic realization of belonging. I was never outcast. No one is. I am welcomed in by the universe, celebrated, desired and loved. The somatic certainty of this changed everything.
I have always been deeply bonded with the spirit world, though I had no language for claiming that before. In Maata’s environment, the spirit world sits down for kai(food) along with everyone else. It was that unerasable, sustaining bond that was a natural part of everyday, practical activity that came home to me. I saw that I had always had this bond and that it had allowed me to transcend the cruelty and chaos of a family home riddled with unresolved trauma. Maata and her family have worked hard to reclaim their language and their tikanga (practices), often adapting them to current conditions, with great success, like Kahu Whakatere, the practices for death, dying and burial. This is a teaching for the world.
Even in a third story tenement walk-up in the Bronx where I was born, I had access to the natural world. I was a star gazer. The night sky was my land. The constellations and the planets, the wind and the clouds, were my friends. I was not escaping. I was bonding and attaching to my kin, and I was smart enough to keep that private. I know this is true in my flesh, in my very cells, which most academics do not see as validation of knowledge. Thanks to Maata’s modeling, I no longer care what academics or anyone think about what I know to be true.
I was taught to discount myself by a system that is unconscious of indigenous ways of knowing. For that patriarchal, colonial system, inner knowing, particularly when it is does not accord with patterns documented in texts and diagnostic manuals, is silenced and often judged as pathology. I can remember, distinctly, when a noted trauma authority who I was working closely with responded to my comment that the trauma in my life began in utero by shaking his head in disbelief, and redirecting the conversation. I was domesticated to obediently go along with that. Until now.
Embracing the truth that I have always harbored an unquestionable sense of belonging, that I am united with the natural world in ways that allow me to merge with it, has changed everything for me. Maata and other indigenous people have survived because of this knowing. So have I.
Turning Concepts of Attachment on Their Head
I have been in the service of people recovering from, healing from, and transcending trauma for over four decades. When I reflect on the broad swath of this experience, I realize how misled all of us were to think that there was something wrong with us. There never was anything wrong with us. There was something terribly wrong with the systems that defined and labeled us.
Let me explain more about this revolution in understanding attachment and bonding and why it is surfacing now, at the virtual end of time.
When I look at attachment somatically and through the lens of the human nervous system, I recognize that I was actively in a state of belonging and rooted connection for prolonged periods of time, for instance, when I was reading, writing or star-gazing. During these periods I was connected to a source that flowed through me and accompanied me. Before I could read or write, I was deeply bonded via my creativity and specifically my inner storytelling capacities, which were prolific, to the spirit world.
These forms of attachment were not validated or even recognized by the world around me. They still are not. As a result, I kept these experiences quiet, and within. This is a way in which my experience parallels that of indigenous people like Maata, who were rebuked for articulating their own language, except now we are determined to no longer hide or be silent.
That I found anchoring and connection is entirely to my credit. From a Māori worldview, it was probably also due to the ancestors in the unseen world who were backing me up and leading me to where the nutrients were. It is to them that I likely owe my life. Can you see how Te Ao Māori, the Māori worldview, and particularly the standard bearing of women like Kuia Maata Wharehoka, is leadership for a world in crisis, a world that needs an indigenous and a matriversal perspective?
Language Reclamation
From the moment that I began to write, which started around 7 or 8 years old, I was reclaiming my language. Language is identity. My true identity is in the language of my writing. It is a poetic dialect, like Te Reo Māori. I continue to be dedicated to reclaiming my own language. This is a continuum.
For decades, Māori were punished for speaking their own language, Te Reo. It is an exquisite, metaphoric and flexible language. As a people who learned and shared knowledge through oral transmission, the theft of their language was excruciating. Only now is Te Reo being fully recovered, but still those who were punished for speaking it, reel from the consequences of being beaten, often severely.
Something similar is true for me, and I believe it is also true for many others, mostly women. The language of our Original Brilliance has been stolen from us and we must reclaim it. This will root our secure attachment to what is real and help us recover from decades of living in shock from the theft of our heart and soul language. This is also what is happening for Māori and others who reclaim their language. It is liberating to see the ways in which the matriversal perspective parallels an indigenous worldview.
Even as we face the end of time, and the dissolution of the extractive, culturally insensitive institutions that are articulated in man speak, we can still claim our true bonds and attach to what is real and speak in the tongues of Original Brilliance. This language is simple and immediately understandable. It defies the ridicule of modernity and pundit talk. It is free of fad phrases. It is free of attempts to sell and convince.
As I liberate myself from false conceptualizations of bonding and attachment, I simultaneously liberate myself to speak a language that I claim as my own. The fear of uttering unacceptable or questionable phrases evaporates. I am all about craft and refinement of expression, but through the prism of my language group, the language group of those securely bonded with the living earth and the unseen worlds, the language of the matriverse.
The Transdisciplinary Nature of Matriversal Concepts of Bonding and AHachment Plus, ReflecKons on Matriversal Understanding
I want to take the conversation about bonding and attachment out of the singular purview of psychology. It is a topic for humanity. It is a topic that reflects consciousness studies, spirituality, human development and biology. It is a topic to be explored by physical and occupational therapists who are actively involved in grounding children and adults in their functional behavior. How are movement patterns reflective of our experiences of connection? And physicians. How do health needs mirror our lived sense of belonging, or its absence?
Psychologists, following the imposed dictates of being proscriptive and labeling, have consistently used theories of attachment to name what is wrong. To my sights, this is incorrect. Instead of seeking so vigorously for where attachment is not, why don’t we quest for where it is?
I want to introduce methodologies for learning in matriversal ways in every realm of society, including healthcare. Let’s take our recognition of matriversal and indigenous wisdom another step and bring it into systemic change. Let us be forces of the matriversal, indigenous perspective and proponents of unity as the antidote to meta-crisis.
“We need to heal the ways we think, feel, relate, exchange, and exist. The only possible answer is healing as a collective body.”
Reflections on Revolutionizing Theories of Bonding and Attachment from a Matriversal Perspective
- As you consider what you found that allowed you to survive what may have been difficult or non- existent experiences of bonding and attachment with close family members, can you name those as alternate sources of attachment for yourself? What are these alternate sources of attachment for you?
- Can you claim these alternate sources of attachment as health and wellbeing that you elected and discard any perception of being poorly attached otherwise? How does this change your neurochemistry? Take your time to assess this.
- Indigenous and matriversal world views always include connection with the natural world. In Māori culture, for instance, a mountain or a river is considered as a family member. In Western psychology, however, feeling this way, and perhaps speaking to the natural world as kin has the connotation of pathology. Are you able to claim the health of these kindred spirits if they inhabited your life? If they did not inhabit your life, can you see yourself inviting that kind of intimacy and connection with aspects of the natural world now?
- If you are able to expand your understandings of attachment and bonding, how does that influence your relationship to the concept of indigeneity?
- How does adopting an indigenous, matriversal perspective on attachment and bonding change your physiology, your gait, your way of being in the world?
Read the original post and see the photos with this post: https://kindredmedia.org/2024/...and-indigenous-lens/
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