Hi Paul:
What a lucky person to have you as friend. Though we've emailed some privately, I'm sharing some more here in case others have this question.
I'm not sure if this man is looking for validation for fears, his own space to address his own "stuff" or basics on child development, attachment, and parenting after ACEs.
Maybe all of those things.
I find the ACE survey a great parenting guide and educational tool.
It's a way underutilized tool for parenting basics 101. For many of us with lots of ACEs, we don't necessarily consider what was for us "normal" in childhood to be traumatic. So, just reading the ACEs survey can be like, "Ah.. Oh..." and a little bit of "Really? That's trauma?"
I know I sometimes joke that it's a good parenting cheat sheet, as in if one can not do at least these ten things, that's a really excellent start.
It's also great because it includes abandonment, divorce, parental absence. I think lots of us who had a parent disappear completely or partially haven't always know that is considered more than bad luck.
I like the neutral language of the ACEs test for not labeling things as much as describing them. And what's described are behaviors and experiences as opposed to diagnostic labels. That's quite refreshing.
For a parent looking for other parents in the same boat, the Trigger Points Anthology is great.
Note: the book is being re-released with resources in about a month under the name Parenting with PTSD, edited by Dawn Daum & Joyelle Brandt
I liked the book The Whole Parenting: How to Be a Good Parent Even if You Didn't Have One. I found it a bit more conversational than Parenting from the Inside Out, which is excellent, but wasn't accessible to me until after a decade of therapy.
Here's a review of The Whole Parent I wrote earlier in my own parenting journey
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa has a chapter on Parenting Well after ACEs.
The Turnaround Mom is a resource for parents as well. It's by Carey Sipp.
There's an organization, Father's Uplift that was founded by a man who has his own ACEs and is looking to support fathers and fathering.
Also, Elisabeth Corey of Beating Trauma is a survivor-parent and MSW who has an e-course for those of us parenting after ACEs.
That should be a start. Also, tell him that parenting can be wonderful and amazing and healing. I was so terrified to become a parent that it didn't even occur to me how much I'd love it and how much I'd want to work hard and learn new lessons about child/human development.
For me, anything and everything on attachment were super helpful. It helped explain why many of us abandoned as kids have anxious or insecure or avoidant attachment and help explain what secure attachment is supposed to be so we can help create that for our own kids. It's possible to do even if we didn't have it ourselves as kids. That's kind of a miracle. Of course, there is a lot within the Parenting with ACEs Community as well.
Of course, there is a lot in the Parenting with ACEs Community.
Cissy
