Recently I have come across two females (19 & 22) that survived opiate overdoses. Both are 5 months clean. Both have expressed having friends of theirs that would like to go through rehab but don't want their parents to know. The 22 year old would like to start her own secret group to help her friends. As I ask others that have recovered from drugs, they express the same experience with friends' fears.
Are there any suggestions?
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My friend paul is doing a program in cincinnati with wraparound community level support. See redesigningmentalillness.net
This reply is from Andrea Shultz:
Dear Peter,
You have two vulnerable young women who are early in their recovery from opiate addiction. Their risk of relapse is great. The risk of lethality from opiate relapse is enormous. For a 22 year old to take on the responsibility of forming a secret recovery group for other young women not in recovery sounds like a recipe for disaster for all involved and a set up for relapse for her. Secrets are toxic and unhealthy. It sounds like her friends may be attempting to engage her in triangulation and drama to avoid being accountable for actually entering a recovery program. They are likely to be covered by their parents' insurance (until age 23) and will need to obtain insurance information from their parents and have at least that level of communication with their parents to do so.
So not communicating with their parents may be a way of avoiding getting into treatment, because how will they pay for treatment if they don't have insurance coverage information? They are likely to waste everyone's time applying for coverage they do not qualify for because they are already covered by their parents but because there is a lack of communication and secrets being kept, this basic information is not obtained from their parents in a timely fashion, resulting in a dangerous delay in treatment.
It may be wise for you to encourage the 22 year old in early recovery to attend Alanon/Naranon/CODA meetings in order to focus on establishing healthy boundaries, not engaging in enabling behavior, and working the 12th step in a productive way that does not endanger her own recovery. It is important for the young adults who are seeking recovery to determine why they want to keep their parents out of the recovery loop and what information they want to keep from their parents.
Some information is appropriate to keep private. It is part of individuation and having healthy adult boundaries. For instance, an adult doesn't need to share with her parents every time she takes a poop. However, a responsible adult will share with her parents if she is pregnant or has cancer or is facing a major health crisis or milestone.
Reasons for not sharing this important information would be due to highly individual safety considerations, for instance the instability or dangerous behavior of the parent precluding sharing important information. It can be uncomfortable to share information with your family about chemical dependency, but your family is typically a key component of your recovery plan and circle of support, and learning to have healthy communication and not keep toxic secrets is key to recovery as well. Even families with dysfunctional dynamics can grow and change with support and treatment and learn to be part of the solution in a person's recovery journey.
Dear Peter:
I'm not a therapist or an addiction counselor. I am someone who started recovery, decades back in my early 20's.
I'm not sure of the reasons for not sharing with the family for these individuals. Maybe shame or secrecy or the addiction itself or maybe the family is toxic or dangerous, or recovery might mean facing an abuse history and having family relationships strained or ended.
I know there are lots of mixed reviews of the effectiveness, long-term, of 12 step programs, but they are a place to start, anonymously and for free and where there are people of all ages and stages of recovery. And, depending on what the issues are there are a whole lot of options besides AA/NA.
They may be able to support each other and get to meetings together or come up with ideas for what would help them. However, finding a larger support that exists even if one of them relapse, etc. would probably be good. I recommend yoga or other things that help regulate moods/symptoms and there are starting to be ones geared specifically for different groups and they can be a lot more affordable than traditional treatment programs. Cissy
