Hello all,
I would like to learn more about how to teach parents/caregivers how to better cope with their own past trauma experiences and not project their experiences onto their children especially during times of crisis. Does anyone have any thoughts? Where is a good place to start with such a big topic? Looking forward to learning.
Thank you.
Lindi
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I'd love to hear ANYTHING on this topic that could be shared with the Parenting with ACEs group. It's SUCH an important topic.
I talked with some other mothers who are survivors last year. We talked about how we had done self-defense with our kids, taught them about predators, did some solid and positive safety education. However, at least for me, I had failed to talk about normal and beautiful falling in love or dating when it's fun and positive. I didn't realize I had spent SO MUCH time on protection and SO LITTLE on natural and healthy stuff. It wasn't projection in a single instance but it was parenting from my own experience rather than a more neutral one. Others have shared stories with similar stuff.
More recently, my daughter and I moved. We didn't change towns or schools, but our old house, now in a flood zone, was feeling less safe with winters so harsh. We'd had two floods. But I was terrified of my daughter moving. A friend said to me, "A move isn't necessarily traumatic. Just because your moves came with ACEs doesn't mean that's true for your daughter."
And it's true. My moves meant new Dads, new towns, new dangers. I didn't realize I was thinking of all moves as ONLY negative. Not that it isn't a big change, transition, stress. But without friends who really know my present life and the past one, I think I'd do this projection stuff even more. And probably do it in other ways I don't even see.
So, thank you for this topic.
I know others in Parenting with ACEs would be interested in hearing some helpful and practical ways to be more aware of this, to notice and recognize it, etc. and to see and feel things from a less fearful place.
Cissy
I am finishing up a grant project in an impoverished "high ACE" community doing exactly this. We have incorporated several interventions, but one that I like most, is Circle of Security.
You can watch a couple of videos on their website to get an idea. It is strengths-based (the message is that we don't have to be perfect as parents, just "good enough") and gets into what they call "shark music" - that subconscious thing that happens when you are triggered by something in your past, even when you don't realize it. It helps us to recognize what we are feeling in those moments and to stop and reflect before we react. By the end of the sessions, parents have a better understanding of their children's behaviors and what they mean. They feel more confident about "being with" their child (and themselves) when they are having strong emotions, rather than trying to distract or order feelings away. As a bonus, the "bad behavior" that their children might have been exhibiting goes away.
I had a parent tell me that "Every parent should take this class, like childbirth class!" I couldn't agree more, the world would be a kinder and gentler place.
I'd be happy to share more, if it is helpful.
Thanks for doing the good work!
Kim
Kim:
I just listened to the shark music video. It's great. I'd love to share it with the Parenting with ACEs group along with what you wrote about it if that's o.k. with you?
This is great for parents and parenting but also for those of us who are adults and had parents who maybe had a lot of too loud shark music playing in them while they parented.
Great stuff. Thanks!
Cissy AcesConnection Group Manager Parenting with ACEs
The best way, IMHO is to release the traumatic feelings...so you can recall the trauma, but it no longer has an emotional impact when you do. This can be done by anyone using a therapy called Thought Field Therapy, look it up at rogercallahan.com (the doctor who invented it). Another method that releases the emotional impact of trauma is Emotion Code (Dr. Bradley Nelson discovered this) go to Healerslibrary.com. Both use energy psychology methods, they work very quickly to relieve emotional (and physical) pain.
Saw this book on Amazon and just ordered it... I have not read it yet, but it looks good.
Hi
I think of this as more about "attachment schema" or and less about "projection." 2 generation models address this - nurse family partnership, Incredible years (has parent and early childhood teacher components), touch on this but some of the best research on this topic is done by Mary Dozier at University of Delaware http://udel.academia.edu/MaryDozier
I also highly recommend the book, "Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel Siegel for this topic. It brings light to how our own past influences our parenting responses and plants the seeds for our triggers.
Cissy:
Yes, please share.
Another thing I really like about COS is its accessibility. Not all parents are able or willing to go to therapy, and the therapy options covered by Medicaid in the community where I work with are less than ideal. COS helps parents connect to their emotions without having to commit to years of therapy, although sometimes things come up for them and we refer them to therapy. It's also for parents of children of any age - birth to teen, and helps people better understand other relationships in their lives as well: partners, supervisors, etc.
Susan: I agree, being able to recognize our own attachment strategies, and being in a place where we can be open to recognizing the strategies our children are utilizing is where to go. Our project has also utilized Promoting First Relationships - this is what Nurse Family Partnership uses, at least in Washington state. PFR has been adapted from home visiting and childcare-based (Head Start uses it) to being used in a pediatric medical setting during well child checks. Since most caregivers take their children to well checks 10 times in the first 3 years, pediatric practitioners are in a terrific place to help parents/caregivers learn about the importance of their child's emotional heath as they grow. We focused at each well child check on brain development and how our relationship with our baby/child affects their brain as it grows...
Addressing some of the social or community causes around those parents is helpful too. This is not just an individual level problem. this is a quiz for programs that support people with ACEs to help them explore both individual and community level solutions.
http://poetryforpersonalpower....mpact-assement-form/
Is this a topic that would warrant an afternoon workshop?
I know that in my clinical practice, I have utilized many of the resources mentioned above.
Often, though, modeling, video recordings (with permission) of highly intense interactions, and modeling are all beneficial.
The conversation I use with parents involves the normalizing of parent-child legacies, both spoken and unspoken, about many things: money, religion, politics, education, work; but most importantly, what it means to be a parent or child. (For example: anger is not ok for children to express, but Dad was angry all the time; or "Children should be seen but not heard.") Then there are opportunities to deconstruct family conflicts: and ask the question: is this a new story (about my child) or an old story (about my own upbringing). The book "Ghosts From the Nursery" has informed my work on this topic again and again.
Also very useful: parental expectations versus developmental capacity.
Looking forward to more responses.
Krys
I recommend Pathways to Competence parenting curriculum. The Family of Origin activities are great. It is also low cost compared to other programs at 50 dollars for the book. We use it in San Diego for our parenting workshops for children 0-5 and qualitative findings reflect parents' awareness and empowerment toward changing patterns. https://amzn.com/1557668620
I write and train on this topic. It is my passion to change the way in which we understand the impacts of trauma. I would be happy to chat with you about the work that I am doing.
What a great question. We wrote a whole book about this! The Bullying Antidote practically STARTS with a conversation about ACEs, how they are a national health issue, and how they are related to bullying. We take a good look at the history of parenting and invite parents to look at their family's past with a compassionate eye. Most of the book is about positive parenting skills, which of course can prevent ACEs in the next generation.
Schools are working hard on bullying issues... so hard now with various social/media/societal factors encouraging rudeness and power dominance. We wrote this book for TEACHERS to recommend to PARENTS... to raise awareness about how mainstream parenting practices model and create tolerance for bullying, and to provide support in changing negative family patterns.
Please check out The Bullying Antidote... know that it is a resource...
You can also subscribe to The Zorgos Reader (learn what Zorgos is!) for occasional news & views, articles etc.
And finally, if you are in Oakland, CA, request a FREE case of books to start a reading group! There is a FREE discussion guide online, and one coming soon in print! www.zorgosproject.org
The best and most useful book that I know of in Dr. Dan Siegel's "Parenting from the Inside Out." We have all been children and many of us are parents so it is easy to see "projection" from both sides.
